~My little Angel~

LIFE~

My children are my life, I live everyday for my kids. I don't know where I would be or what I would do without them. They are my inspirations, my journeys, and my teachers. But most of all they are my angels!

September 1st 2005 my 3rd little angle was born. I knew my Bryson was special baby when the doctor said " WOW, he is a miracle baby". My radar ears flared as I was laying their on the table with my stomach still cut open, I said "WHAT", the doctor said "his cord was in a knot", I just about lost it! From the moment they brought him to me I just could not take my eyes off of him, he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, well besides my other two babies. I just couldn't believe that he was mine, he was truly mine. He really didn't look much like me, more like Clint.

Bryson was such a happy baby. As time went on he developed as normal as any other baby would. He ate great, no problems in that department, he loved food and still does! He reminded me so much of Andrew when he was a baby cause he was so chunky, he was so cute and still is! Everyone always had to touch him cause he was so round and happy. I thought gosh god has blessed us with 3 beautiful healthy boys, I could totally do this again. I would have never imagined in a million years what god had in stored for Clint and I during the first year and half of Bryson's life.

AS OUR JOURNEY WOULD BEGIN, AND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT~

I remember it was around January of 2006 and Clint's parents where here visiting. We where all in the kitchen and Bryson was mastering his walking. He loved to walk around the hole kitchen island. But this time he was walking next to the wall in the kitchen. He kept walking and look at his shadow on the wall. He looked at his shadow as if he where saying " why are you following me." He would look straight and keep walking straight as if he didn't want his shadow to know that he was watching it. But he still had his eyes on his shadow. And once he discovered it, he would do it non-stop. We never thought anything of it, we thought it was just the funniest thing ever that he found his shadow.

Days and months past and Bryson would now follow more object with his eyes like he did with his shadow. We thought, it must just be something new considering he still is just a baby. I mean he was still a happy loving baby. As time went on, and as we started to approach our 2 year check up, I had told the doctor that Bryson was only saying about 3-4 words. He had told me not to worry about it cause all kids develop at different times and that all kids are different. I totally agreed. I mean who knew that better than me, I had already had 2 kids before Bryson. So, I was ok with it at that time. As we went in for sick visits and more well checks, I would still mention to the doctor that "ya know, he still isn't talking and I'm just starting to get a little worried now". He said "Don't worry, he still has time. You are worrying to much. When he turns 2 1/2 and he is still not talking, then we will look into it!" Well, I'm a mother and I had my "gut" feeling that something was just not right. It bothered me that alot of kids Bryson's age where say a whole lot more than he was, even younger kids would say more than Bryson. I remember leaving their feeling like, something is just not right but ok, your the doctor and you are suppose to be the smart one who we are paying. You are the one who I'm putting my children's lives in your hands.

SIGNS~

Luckily for us, we have 2 insurances. Let me tell you that really helped. Now that I look back at it all, God was giving us signs. We ended up switching doctors soon after our last appointment cause that office wouldn't take our second insurance. So why pay if we didn't have to, ya know. So, we ended up switching to a female doctor, boy she was my new sitting angel. We had found her through a new mommy in my playgroup that just had moved here from Fresno. So, we had our first visit with her. I had mentioned that I was a little nervous cause Bryson was not talking yet (sign #1). She had assured me that he is still little and he does have time yet. Basically, the same thing that he other doctor had told me, BUT she said "you are his mother, and you are with him all the time, You know him better!" So if you feel in your heart that maybe he is delayed in speech I will give you a referral. Thank you lord! I finally get to move forward. I then proceeded to tell her that my husband was a little worried about Bryson cause he does this thing with his eyes (sign #2). Like I had mentioned earlier, how Bryson would follow his shadow that is what I'm referring to when I talk about his eyes. And he lays on the floor and will look at the wheel of his truck turn . He wouldn't turn it upside down or anything. He would play with it normal but he would be more interested in watching the wheel keep turning (sign #3). Well, of course that really got her attention then. And that is when a whole series of questions arose. She asked does he do anything else? I said, well he does like to line up the dwars in the kitchen and bathroom and if you try to close it he will get mad (sign #4) and he will line up his toys in a straight line and do this eye thing again (sign #5). And he likes to watch the washer and dryer turn round and round (sign #6) and he loves to make the door stoppers shake right off (sign #7). To Clint and I Bryson was as normal as any other kid his age..

The day my hole life would change~

Oct 3rd 2007 11:00am, who knew that my whole life was about to change. We had a referral to go in and get checked out to see what was going on with Bryson. Why wasn't he talking yet? So we walk in to Nevada Early Intervention and it was just a crazy day to begin with. Everyone was rushing around not knowing where anyone was. So anyways the test go underway. They had did a series of test on Bryson and a TON of questions. At the end of the testing the speech therapist had turned and looked at me and asked me has Bryson ever been tested for autism? Oh my god, I was 8 months pregnant and I felt like I just got told that I had cancer and I felt my baby come out of my throat. This now had to be the most worst day of my life and the most worst birthday news ever! My heart felt like it had just stopped beating. I looked at Clint and I just wanted to cry. I will NEVER forget that day, EVER! Just like most people Clint and I knew of autism, we just didn't know about autism. So moments later they screened him. He came back boarder line autism. Well,"What the hell does that mean, borderline autism"? They said "Well, we can't tell you to go and get officially diagnosed but you can if you would like. And we are not saying that he has it, we are just saying that his test came back borderline. So if you would like to get him tested you can, but again, you don't have to. WHAT?? What is that I said. NOT get him tested, are you serious, I asked?? Aw, no I WANT him tested and now. They handed me a THICK book and said,"their are 3 diagnosing Dr's in here" good luck! OK, Well off we went. As I got home I was so emotional that I just didn't know what to do or what to think anymore. I felt so betrayed by god, how could he do this to me, and what did I do to deserve this. My poor baby has his whole life ahead of him, how could god do this to him?? All these things where going through my head. Well, not knowing what else to do, I plopped myself in front of my computer and researched everything that I could about autism. I stayed up LONG LONG hours trying to read everything that I could to understand. I had so many questions and no answers, I was a mess! I didn't know what to do anymore. After days and days and days of researching autism, I couldn't read anymore. It was starting to make me crazy a little. You read one thing and you start to say "ok, I think I get it". Then you read something else and that say "no, this is what is actually going on". Ok so, I didn't know what to believe or even think anymore. So I met some mom's that had children with autism and joined some support groups and started asking questions. I felt that if I talked to other mom's that where going through the same thing that I was, that I would find a path to get onto and start heading down a road of hope. I figured that they had been in this longer than I have so they could just tell me what I needed to do. Well holy hell, come to find out their is a SPECTRUM and it's HUGE. So, somethings work for some kids and those same thing that work for those kids DON'T always work for others...GREAT! Again, I felt like someone just busted my bubble AGAIN. I knew that I needed to get Bryson started on something right away. Not to mention a solid diagnosis.

Diagnosis~

After researching a long time to find a doctor that can diagnosis without a year or two wait list, I found a neurologist Dr. Sir Halthor. Thankfully, it was covered under our insurance and he could get us in right away, THANK GOD...god, got a point for that one. February 7, 2007, we walk in to Dr. Sir Halthors office. A bit nervous but anchis at the same time. As we where sitting their waiting for the doctor to walk in I was getting more and more nervous! You NEVER EVER want to hear that ANYTHING is wrong with your baby EVER! As the doctor walks in, he right away starts asking questions and just watches Bryson the WHOLE time. He also talks to Bryson and asks him questions and of course he doesn't answer. But the best part of that was he still talked to Bryson as if he understood, of course I started to cry. Knowing that Bryson didn't actually know what the hell he was talking about. As minuets passed, Bryson was SO good, but after a while he started to stem, (a sign~the thing with his eys) which really is just a small detail of autism. After a bit questions and watching Bryson the doctor turns and looks at me and says Bryson has autism! BUT, the famous BUT...It's only autism, not autism spectrum disorder. OK, what the hell is the difference. Well the difference is that usually ASD (autism spectrum disorder) is a wide rage of stuff that is going on. Where as straight autism, their is nothing else going on, JUST autism. OK I guess that helps A LITTLE...I mean I guess it could be worse but still. OK, once again my heart sank into my stomach and I felt like he just told me that I had cancer and that I only had 2 days to live. Of course my eyes filled up with tears and haven't stopped yet, honestly I don't think that they ever will stop!

Once, we got home I cried and have been crying ever sense and of course asked my self and god the famous questions "WHY"??? "WHY ME", "WHY MY BABY", "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS", "WHAT DID BRYSON EVER DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS"? Bryson has his WHOLE life ahead of him, WHY would you do this to MY beautiful baby boy? Of course you only here what you don't want to hear. "God only give you what you can handle". YEAH, well god thought WRONG on this one. Well, wasting no time at all once again I got on the phone and starting talking to people, searching on the computer and gathering information on what I can do to help my baby be one of the few to bet this thing. The doctor had mentioned that Bryson REALLY needs to get to a speech therapist and REALLY focus on that, along with any other therapy's that we could get him into.

Therapy's~

So, I called EVERYWHERE!! Well, after months of searching I found a speech therapy center, which I totally had LUCKED out on. They are SO AWESOME. Bryson started their on January 15, 2008. Speech was covered under our insurance tell March 15,2008, then it was all over. During this time though, he had learned SO much. In the second day he was signing "more". The third day he was signing "please". My heart sank again...My eyes filled up with tears, seeing that my baby was signing, he was actually communicating, it was a mirical! I thought to myself, we are never leaving this place. As of right now, we are currently back at this speech therapist!

So, I got a flyer from his therapist about an autism workshop called pecs. I was the first one signed up for this class. It was $150 to do this class but it was SO worth it. It's to teach the kids how to communicate through pictures. Ok I do have to say that I was VERY nervous about it. His therapist gave me a video to watch to really see how it works, yes I CRIED! I thought to myself what the HELL am I doing. I'm going to teach my baby how to communicate with pictures, he is never going to talk, GREAT! But I had to convenes myself to give it a try, what could it hurt. So I did, and I liked it. I came home and introduced it to Bryson and the little smarty pants that he is, BLEW ME AWAY! This baby had the concept in about 2 days flat! The speech therapist was FLOORED! I do have to say, that my whole thought behind doing the pecs class was to also make sure that who ever was going to be teaching my son (therapist's) knew what they where doing. Some of these places just teach their so called therapist what they know and NOT get them certified. I only wanted the BEST for my baby cause that is what he deservse. Luckly, we got the best and they knew JUST what they where suppose to. Anyother point for god!

Funding~

In the mean time I was also trying to get Bryson funding so that he could get other therapy's like (aba) its a behavioral therapy, and more speech, and Occupational therapy. These therapy's cost anywhere from $80 and hour to $120 an hour. Aba is $40 an hour and they want to do therapy just about EVERYDAY! Yeah, so we needed HELP! I was also trying to get Bryson on a casein and gluten free diet to see if that helped with behavior, which it is suppose to do. So of course we tried going that route but it was EXTREMELY expensive and to split everyone up and have different dinners was impossible, doable but impossible and EXPENSIVE! We did get funded through a place called RAGE which was awesome. We get a certain amount of money for certain therapy's. They automatically pay them which is even better. The down fall of it all is that we only can use this money for 1 therapy, and that is ABA! So of course doing all the research that I did, it is known to help, but alot of people aren't to into it, AT ALL! I thought at this point we don't have anything else but speech so we could really use something else, and this was it. So of course, we started it. Luckily at the same time we got a phone call saying that we also got assigned a worker for Nevada Early Intervention. This is the place that we had went to that screened Bryon for autism on my birthday.

So, the first week of May Bryson started ALL his therapy's, ABA, Speech, NEIS (Nevada Early Intervention) and also OT (Occupational Therapy). Turo Universtiy had JUST opened and was only charging $35 for and hour of therapy. This was truly a blessing. I couldn't believe that we where going to be doing it all, FINALLY! But then it hit me OH MY GOD, HOW, HOW are we going to ALL THIS. Well, when their is a wheel their is a way. WE DID IT! Bryson started ALL his therapy's on the first week of May and was talking (SAYING WORDS) by June. He had about 38 words by June. He was cruising, it was truly amazing to see and watch. Times where tough I do have to admit, REALLY tough. Actually HARD as HELL to be really honest. I cried most of the time. To see your baby have to go through so much and he is only 2 1/2 is UNREAL! I did however, made a promise to myself that what ever Bryson had to do, I would do it with him, anything and EVERYTHING!!! My baby wasn't going to do this alone!

On Bryson's 3rd birthday (Sept 1st 2008) he graduated from NEIS (Nevada Early Intervention) and was introduced to Nevada School district to start the autism program for Pre-K. It was VERY hard to leave NEIS cause Bryson had come so far with them and really loved his teachers (therapist). He would do ANYTHING for Debbie. She was an awesome teacher, actually she was a TRUE BLESSING to our family. She really knew how to deal with Bryson, cause she had an autistic son herself. Bryson and I REALLY miss her alot. Just to see the HUGE smile on Bryson's face every time he saw her made my heart melt.

It felt like everything was coming to an end. We where losing N.E.I.S. and we where also losing O.T., they where raising their prices to $80 (which was still cheap compared to what they will be) but we just could afford that 2-3 days a week (not including gas). The two therapy's that we totally love, gone! So now we are down 2 and and still up 2 (aba and speech) now that we got our speech therapist back. I talked to the insurance company and fought with them a time or two and got them to approve Bryson for more therapy. In the mean time I had applied for Medicaid Katie Beckett which is another form of medical insurance for higher income family with kids with disabilities. We also applied for SSI, which KILLED me. I could not BELIEVE that I was applying for SSI for my baby. Needless to say we where denied. We did however get approved for another funding through Desert Regional Center (DRC). The big down fall on that is that they got BUDGET CUTS...YES, we got approved and we probably won't ever see it. We were suppose to get it in July and it is now November, NOT GOOD! With this funding we could use the money towards any therapy that we want. WAY NICE, but I don't think it will ever happen now.

Starting School~

So, Sept. 2, 2008 Bryson started his first day of pre-k in the autism program. In his class it is ALL kids with autism. Their ages rage from 3 to 5 years old. Bryson was the 5th child in that class with 1 typical peer. The class size can only go up to 7, which is WAY nice. I wanted this cause I wanted Bryson to have enough attention and not get left behind or lost in the crowd. So, Bryson did great the first day by his self. He didn't even cry, of course he had to test out the teachers to see just how far they would let him push their buttons (hehee). The second day was a little tough for him but he got through it. This was something new, new faces, new classmates, new teachers, which he knew nothing about classmates or school for that matter. By Friday he was doing great. He just needed to learn the routine. The second week of school Tristan joined Bryson, YAY. Tristan is a typical peer #2, in Brysons class. I think Bryson felt even more comfortable cause his big brother was their. I felt extremely comfortable cause Tristan is my eyes and ears when I'm not around. Anyways, they LOVED school. They where SO tired, this is something SO new to both of them. What was most rewarding about it all, was that they LOVE their teacher. Again, it makes me cry to know that they LOVE her. I know that they love being their and they will listen and do what they are told. One thing about Bryson, if he doesn't like you, he will show it! He won't listen to you, he will do his own thing. So I was so happy that he really liked his teachers. It make a huge difference in the mornings when they have to get ready for school...they want to go, they want to get ready, and they are excited. And everyday I always get rewarding news from the teacher, which breaks my heart in a good way. I know that they are being good and learning and loving it!

While Bryson was in his first weeks of school I had pulled him out of A.B.A therapy. I did this because Bryson is going to school from 9:10-3:20 and he SO tired when he gets home. Well, they where bugging me to get him back on a schedule like we where before school had started. Ok so I did, the third week of school Bryson's ABA therapist came out on Wed. and Thrusday. Well Bryson wasn't having it. HE HATES IT! I have to sit here and listen to him scream and kick, yell, thrown, cry, hit, flop like a fish out of water for a half hour or longer. Well, let me tell YOU. This is the hardest thing you could EVER do is just to sit their and watch someone hold your baby down for a half hour or longer tell they STOP crying and kicking and hitting and throwing and yelling and flipping around. YES! You just want to KILL that person. YES, they hold him in one spot tell he stops. I hated seeing Bryson go through this. He would look at me like "Why the HELL are you putting me through this", "WHY are you letting them do this to me"! When we first started A.B.A back in May, he went throught the samething for about 2 weeks and then got over it. Then he was doing great! But it was the only option that we had. I think now that he is in school he is like, "I don't need this anymore". Which honetly, I don't think he really needs it anymore either. I think that A.B.A. is not a once size fits all kind of therapy. I think that it works for some but not everyone. Autism is huge and such a wide rang that I think for Bryson he is ahead of A.B.A. Of course they are mad at me cause I pulled him out and they tell me that I'm just letting him have his way. But I just tell them to go to HELL! I'm not going to let them hold him down for a half hour or longer tell he stops crying and tantruming. He is tired of showing them a 100 times where he mouth is or where his eyes are, he KNOWS already! I think that my biggest fear of taking him away from this thearpy was that he would actually lose A therapy, he would lose his funding. But all in all, I think I made the right decision. He is SO MUCH MORE HAPPIER!

Anyways, Bryson's gets speech in school and outside of school. He gets O.T. in school and the teacher works on everything in class with him. As of today, Bryson can now drink from a regular cup, feed himself with a fork and spoon. He can talk spontainiously and is now potty trainning. He has used the potty several times, we are just trying to perfect it. He knows ALL his colors and shapes. He can do puzzles, and he loves books, he REALLY loves Brown bear Brown bear. And he is touching stickers and touching playdow. He is cutting with sissors and writing with markers, He is eating bananas and holding them himself. You can teach him to say just about anything and he will try his HARDEST to say it and or do it. His teacher is SO impressed with him. He has TRULY come a LONG WAY!

Bryson has come a LONG way, and still has a LONG way to go! Just before they went on their tack break the teacher and I had an IEP meeting for Bryson (Indiviualized Educational Plan), and she had mention to me that she thinks that Bryson has sever apraxia, GREAT, THANKS! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! So, I talked to his personal speech therapist and she totally agreed. GREAT, Thanks again! Apraxia, now I have to research again, great! This is really getting old. Anyways, his outside speech therapist says that he is doing AWESOME. His behavior is AWESOME he is doing EVERYTHIING that she tells him to do, she said that she's just FLOORED. I told her that he isn't doing A.B.A anymore and she said yeah I can tell! HA!! That made me feel REALLY good about my decision.

My little Bryson, he is a angel. I can take him to the stores now, we can go out to eat, we can do anything now. It's amazing to see how far we have come in just a short peirod of time. Bryson, amazes me everyday by his straingth and efforts. He is SO smart and loveable and innocent. He is TRULY an angel, and he is ALL mine. He gives me straight EVERYDAY do go on. When I see him come out of the doors from school he has a HUGE smile on his face and he come running to me with open arms and gives me a HUGE hug and kiss everyday, like he hasn't seen me in a week! I LOVE IT...He gives me courage and hope and insparation EVERY SINGLE DAY and will for the rest of my life.

AS A MOTHER~

As a mother, you only want to best for you babies. You want them to be healthy and perfect in every way. You want to see them grow from a baby to a toddler. From a toddler to a little young person, to a teenager. And from a teenager to a young adult. You want to see them get married and have children and have grandchildren. You want to see your kids happy in every way, not having to suffer or even be behind. This journey REALLY put our whole family through a test, and HUGE test. It has tested Clint and I through our marriage. Our differences in thoughts and opinions on what we should and need to do through out this whole process. It has tested us on what we should and have to do for our future and for the future of our children. It has also tested us on money, how the HELL are we going to pay this much for all these threapy's that Bryson needs and still proved for our family and knowing that I can't go back to work. Me going back to work would make it even harder, I'm the one who deals with everything and we won't get into that. Anyways, we have gotten through most of it already and hopfully we can get through the rest. It will take ALOT of time and effort but I know that we can do it. Looking at Bryson everyday gives me hope, streangh, courage, and faith that can get through this. Everyday it is still hard for me as a mother. Slapping on a smile, pretending to be happy, pretending that everything is ok when inside it's really not. I have worry, and TONS of anger, and LOTS of saddness. I just don't want my babies to see me upset, so I try to be strong infront of them, so that all's they see is that they have a strong mommy who can handle anything that comes to her. I do have to be honest though, they have seen me break down quite a few times cause sometimes it just WAY to much to handle. At times I can just look at Bryson and just cry. That stupid "WHY" question that I can never get an answer to always honts me. Never the less though I LOVE my ALL 4 of my babies ALL THE SAME! Truly, that is what keeps me going and I'm SO glad that I can share every single day with them. So, not only was this a journey for Bryson but also for the whole family. Everyone see's thing different and we have all ajusted in everyway that we need to. We are a strong and healthy family and we have come this far, hopfully god has no more suprises in store for us.

Well, this is Bryson's Journey, I will keep you update/posted on his progress so that you to can share these special and exciting moments with our family. Sorry it took so long to get this done. I actually started this last year when we first began our journey. But with so much going on, it was really hard to do. But I promise I will keep you updated. Thank you for reading our babys journey and keep reading. Please, comment if you would like, we would love to hear from you!